ONE IMPORTANT THING I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND

Okay, so I have to be honest here and divulge a secret that I might later be hated for. What is that secret?


Okay, here goes.


That I have lived my life up until this moment as a closeted parade-hater.


I know, shocking right. Cause I seem so normal. And I like people, and kids mostly too. But Really. I hate parades. All the s-l-o-w moving floats. And the people pretending they like sitting on them. And the poor beauty queens in their dresses waving their arms slowly. And lets not even for a minute forget all the clowns. Clowns on stilts, clowns on unicycles. Clowns everywhere. Oh, and how about the crowds? All those people, just crammed along the side of the road like sausages in those air-tight packages you see at Costco. And the horses. And they poop in the road,and it stinks, and then someone steps in it. And ewww. And the really crappy marching bands. That you just feel bad for in all that polyester. And so, you can see, that I've really never understood the draw to parades.


UNTIL NOW


Well, this weekend people I found out just exactly what that draw is. Now, don't think even for a minute because I might be mormon, or because I have children, that my parade-hater-ness would just magically disappear come a holiday. No, in fact I will come up with almost any excuse to miss a parade. Fake a disease, fall asleep, forget it's happening. You know. The usual. Whatever I can do to not have to sit through that insanity.


And can you believe I have two kids? And they've never been exposed! Well, this fourth of July we had plans. To go camping. Far away from any parades that might be taking place. But, unfortunately our plans fell through and that meant that we were suddenly wide and open during parade-attending hours. And since I don't want to always be referred to as Scrooge, I decided against my better judgement to round up my peeps and take them to the good old neighborhood parade.


Now this particular parade they have been doing for years. It's always a hit. In fact, I think the last parade I ever went too, was in fact, this exact parade, except I was 7. And I rode my big wheel, in all it's decked-out crape paper glory, down Evergreen Ave like it was no body's business. And when I got to the park, I decided that all that decorating and effort just wasn't worth the slow ride down the lane. Heck, I could ride my big wheel anywhere, at any speed, at any time. No need to waste all my time and energy on a parade. And that's when I retired. From Parading. And I haven't been back since.


But, I pulled a Michael Jordan and reneged on my parade retirement and took the kids and set up camp chairs along the side of the road along with all the other stuffed sausages and waited for the parade to start.


And then it happened. First one, then two. Then pretty soon, it was too many to even count. Candy. Being thrown in the air. At Us. From everywhere. And it was amazing. Kinda like I imagine heaven will be. And I guess since the last parade I ever went to I was actually a participant in, and it was oh, about twenty years ago, I had forgotten that there was even Candy involved. I guess in my trying to repress and forget any and all parade-ness I had also forgotten about the candy. Wow. What a mistake. Cause I can tell you people one thing for sure.


Parades, and specifically the 4th of July just might in fact, trump Halloween as a better holiday.


Okay, now before you go commenting like crazy and get your panties all in a bundle. Just. Hear. Me. Out. Now, I realize I am making an accusation of monumental proportions here. I know that Halloween is almost a religion. Kids wait, and wait, and wait for this holiday. And it's almost spoken about with a hallowed reverence. Because it is the holiday of all holidays. Why? Well, if you don't know I won't tell you. But it probably has something to do with loads and loads and loads of free candy. So much, that if you planned it right as a kid, and wore your roller blades, and brought your pillow case, you could in fact have enough candy to last you until the next Halloween. I mean, sure the last two months were year-old smarties and tootsie rolls, but still, it was free candy.


But parades? They throw the candy to you. Yes. You just sit there. No, dressing up, no ridiculous masks, or face paint. No Rollerblades, no ringing. No waiting. No crappy smarties. Just lots and lots and lots of free candy. And you don't even have to move. Yep, we went in to this parade oblivious, and left with an entire backpack full of yummy, sugary, wonderful-ness. And it was in fact worth every slow float, and clown, and crappy marching band, by far.


All that free candy. How had I forgotten this? Did I ever know? Well, my friends, one thing is for certain, I won't ever miss the fourth of July Parade again. Move on over Halloween, cause the Fourth Of July is here to stay.




Oh, and I am also thankful for my freedom. Freedom to go and sit and have mounds and mounds of Delicious candy thrown at me. Yes, this is a wonderful country indeed.