THE DECISION

Well, as you probably guessed. Yes, I am pregnant. And since this blog o'mine is sorta like also my journal, cause I'm lazy, here is where I'm going to put down into words my thoughts about our decision to get pregnant. Feel free to read or not read. It will probably be very wordy and boring. Just so you know.

So I know most of you are probably thinking that I've lost my mind. Which, I just might have. I know I said I wouldn't be having any more kids. Ever. And in all honesty, I really, really wanted this to be the case. . . for a long time. And really, it's not because I'm some kid-hater or something, it's just that well, I honestly, HATE, despise, loathe really, being pregnant. For me, it's just no fun whatsoever. So, when Hubs and I started throwing around the idea of having more children we started off really slow. First it was, "Oh our kids are so easy now. Everyone can buckle themselves in by themselves. Everyone can poop and pee by themselves. Everyone can get themselves dressed and entertain themselves." And perhaps if I'd been wise, I would have said, "Yes, and why go ahead and mess it all up?" But instead I said, "Yeah, they are getting easy, and it would be nice to maybe start possibly discussing having another."

So we did. We discussed. And at first, I was really only interested in adoption. I mean, let's be honest here people. I hate pregnancy so much, that at first, the only way I was willing to have another child in the family was if someone else carried, and birthed it. Seriously. That was the place I was in. So we talked about it. And decided that it was a good thing. Figured we were good parents, and could provide a nice home for a baby that someone else wasn't quite ready for yet. We got all the paper work for it, and then when it came time to submit and get serious, well, it just didn't feel right for some reason. I started thinking about all those people who can't get pregnant, and who really, really want to adopt a baby. And would I, selfishly, be taking one of theirs? I mean, I was perfectly capable of carrying my own child, I just really didn't want to. Now, I'm not saying this isn't a completely valid reason for adoption, just for us, it didn't really feel right. Ya know?

So, then we talked about foster care for a short time, and then, after all this discussing somewhere amongst it all miracle happened, and I decided that it would in fact be nice to perhaps be pregnant again and have another child. And really, the only thing I can think is that it had been so long since I'd been pregnant (3.5 years) that my brain had forgotten all the terrible things about pregnancy and newborns. You see, it's just that I get incredibly sick when I'm pregnant. I don't mean to complain, but maybe actually I do. It's just absolutely the pitts. Feels like I am on the verge of barfing ALL. DAY. LONG. But for 8-EIGHT!!! weeks! It's insane. And the only thing that even remotely sounds good to eat are carbs. And the bad kind. Not vegetables and fruit. But bread, and English muffins, and party pizzas ;) And while I'm eating it's like the nausea miraculously subsides. And the minute I stop eating-- it comes back with a vengeance. And so, you can understand why I tend to gain a bit too much weight. And by a bit I mean, like seventy pounds. With each. And although I'm no brainiack, I'm pretty sure this is partly why pregnancy sucks so bad for me. I mean, carrying around 70 plus pounds is pretty darn miserable.

So, where was I? Oh yes. We decided to start trying. So, I get my IUD pulled (which is another post in and of itself. Let's just say after two doctors, one ultra-sound and one x-ray it was finally out). But this was right around the time I was going to see all the doctors about my ear. They had put me on some diuretics to see if that might help, but since you aren't supposed to take those while you are pregnant--we decided to postpone really trying for a few months so I could see if the diuretics would help at all. After two months, and no difference we decided to go ahead and start trying to get pregnant. And since with Thing 1 we got lucky on our first try, and Thing 2 was pretty much a surprise (I was still nursing Thing 1), I figured we wouldn't have any problems. Well, that wasn't exactly the case. I knew the IUD I'd had in for 3.5 years had messed up my hormones, but I didn't know exactly how much.

We tried for about six months with no luck. It was so interesting going through that time period. Going from not really wanting something (pregnancy) to by the end, just wanting it so badly. Why wasn't it working? Was I broken or something? And I immediately for the first time understood, if even only slightly, what it was like to want to have a baby, but for some reason your body wouldn't make it happen. Living my life in two week incriments was very insightful. Two weeks to ovulation. Two weeks till test time. So frustrating, yet so humbling at the same time. So, after six months of trying I decided to go and get my hormones tested. And finally I had an answer. All of my hormones were completely out of whack. That IUD had really screwed me up. My estrogen was too low. My progesterone was too low, and I had absolutely NO traces of testosterone at all. And well, this combination doesn't make for very fertile eggs. Pretty much she was surprised I was ovulating at all. So she put me on some all-natural plant-based hormones and wadaya know? That first month on them I got pregnant. Fabulous.

Then the nausea kicked in and I've been in hell ever since.

No. Just joking. But that's how it happened. How I went from being totally ambivalent about having a baby, to wanting a baby so badly, to now, not knowing if it was such a grand idea. I'm sure this feeling will subside along with my nausea. Hopefully.


I just want to thank all of you who commented on my last post or on face book with congratulations. It feels really great having so many wonderful friends and family out there who support me.

Thanks bloggers!