GETTING REAL, THE THIRD SHIFT, AND TOXIC SHAME

"Everyone needs a sense of shame, but no one needs to feel ashamed." --Frederick Nietzche

Okay, so a few of my good blogging friends have been posting fantastic fodder lately. And I love it.


My friend Aimee, who is a grad student in marriage and family therapy, just recently did a very poignant, raw, and I think rather gutsy post all about her thoughts on gender equality, socialization of women, and the third shift. You can read her amazing post here.

Then there is my other friend Kristin who just did a little post all about getting real. She discusses the constant pressure people in the blogging world feel to "measure up." And how some bloggers constantly compare themselves to others. But in reality they are just seeing the edited version of others.


I enjoyed both of these posts and commented on them both briefly. But the more I read the comments of others and reflect, I realize that I have many more thoughts on both of these subjects and how they are related and thought it might be nice to do my own little (or not-so-little) post myself.


Okay, first off, Kristin's post immediately caught my attention, because I too, have heard this same thing from some of my own bloggging buddies. The whole attitude that they just hate the comparison and don't feel they can handle the pressure of writing about their lives and how they portray themselves.

And my comment to this is simple. People who blog, rather, people who blog well (and there is a difference) do so because they enjoy it. Put simply folks, you won't see me in any scrapbooking clubs or quilting bees. Why? Because I hate that stuff. And I wouldn't in a million years try to do something that I suck at, then complain that others are better than me. Is that too harsh? Well, it's not that I think I'm fantastic at blogging or anything (cause let's face it, I'm not), but I guess I just really enjoy it. And if I suck, well, too bad. Don't read it. I don't care how many people read my blog, and even though I do have a site meter, I don't measure my worth by it. For darn sakes people, if you find joy in blogging then blog. If not, well, stop. It's not worth the anxiety is it?

The reason I do this, is well, I honestly can't scrapbook. In fact I don't think God gave me a single crafty gene. And as much as my children frustrate me, I really do want to remember these years. In essence it is a way for me to be a virtual scrapbooker. Remember all the fun times with way-too-long descriptions.

And it's funny because with my pessimistic attitude I find that I don't really edit my life all that well. Sure, there are areas of my life I'm not really willing to share, but for the most part, I find that I get the most joy out of this strange sport when I share the good, the bad and the ugly. And although it's not a 100% accurate portrayal of my life, I do find, the more honest I am, the more fun I have. Maybe it's because we (society) like to see how other people live their lives. Hence the "reality" TV craze. Or maybe it's because we all are really just looking for ways that we all connect. Ways that we are the same. Rather than different. Whatever it is, the connection that blogging provides, in my mind, is lovely.

And this leads me into the topic of the Third Shift that Aimee discussed. First off, let me just say that I am totally jealous that she gets to study this stuff. Maybe one day when my kids are old and able to feed and dress themselves well, I too, may venture out into the world of therapy education. I so appreciated all her thoughts on the Third Shift and how we as women often fall victim to this shift in our psyche around age 12 when we start worrying about what others think. Spending too much time worrying about beauty, and our physical appearances. And listening to our negative selves too much.


And well, if you thought you were going to get a zen, grounded, women's-rights type speech here about how well I've done in my life dismissing these thoughts, then you would be sorely mistaken. I hate to admit it, but I too have fallen victim to the Third Shift. It seems, over and over, too many times. I've often heard that once you get into your forties you stop worry about this stuff. And this is one of the reasons I'm looking forward to my forties.


But these thoughts made me think about this awesome book I just read by John Bradshaw titled "Healing The Shame That Binds You." And although it sounds like a snoozer, it actually is really interesting. The book discusses the ways in which we as people go from feeling guilty to shameful. And how some of us can't get past the shame we have felt in our lives and internalize it into toxic shame leading us to act out in addictive and compulsive manners. And even sometimes, develop a totally false self to cover up our shame. Sounds exciting right? But really, I think so many of us out there wallow in self-pity and shame.

Bradshaw says, "In itself, shame is not bad. . . Shame is the emotion that gives us permission to be human. Shame tells us of our limits. Shame keeps us in our human boundaries, letting us know we can and will make mistakes and that we need help. Our shame tells us we are not God. Healthy shame is the psychological foundation of humility. It is the source of spirituality." He goes on, "What I discovered was that shame as a healthy human emotion can be transformed into shame as a state of being. As a state of being shame takes over one's whole identity. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one's being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing."

So, maybe those of us that have this problem with the Third Shift are just feeling shameful about ourselves. And hopefully it's not toxic in nature, but my instinct is that probably too many people, and especially women, are walking around carrying loads of toxic shame. They feel shameful about everything. Bradshaw talks about the ways in which we hide our toxic shame, ways to uncover it, and later how to recover from it. It has been a most enlightening experience.

Aimee asks on her blog how we balance The Third Shift and how we keep from listening to the negative self talk. Well first, I think we all need to get honest with ourselves and others. And maybe that starts with honesty on our blogs (thanks Kristin), or maybe not. Maybe it means getting honest with a therapist or sponsor. Next, I think we need to spend more time being gentle to ourselves. Loving who we are. Now, let me say, I am so not good at this. But, I wish I was. Bradshaw says, "Giving and receiving unconditional love is the most effective and powerful way to personal wholeness and happiness." And who doesn't want that, eh?


So, I hope that I haven't thoroughly confused you now. If I have, go read Aimee's post and Kristin's post, let it simmer, then let's discuss. Cause, really, it's one of the most fantastic things about blogging. Sharing your thoughts about other's posts. At least it is mine.

Thanks girls for your inspiration! And for those of you still with me, congratulations.