DO OVER

So, this morning as I was laying awake in bed, wishing I could go back to sleep I started thinking. About a lot of things. About my life, and my family and the things that make me well, me. (I know, a little deep for 5:30 a.m.)


Given our current economic situation, which is anything but stable, and our current administration who seem to govern and lead with FEAR, I find myself to be thinking upon easier times. More stable times. I think, for me, looking back, it all started after 9/11. Before this time life was, well, different. After 9/11 I can remember feeling allot of anxiety. Allot of fear. That day, I think I became an adult. Then, within the next year, there was the whole Elizabeth Smart abduction. Which drove my fear and anxiety about just living, to a whole new level. (I still by the way, think that whole event is so strange. But,that I suppose, is another post, for another day.) Then, getting married and for the first time thinking about bills and money. Then I graduated college and began my family. And after having children my anxiety level over their safety and well-being in this world, has skyrocketed.


And sometimes, well, sometimes I just long for those days and times in my life where life was just so easy. And sometimes, like this morning, I think about what it would be like to go back and re-live a time of my life again. Not out of regret, or remorse, or wanting to actually change anything. But because it was a time that was completely free of anxiety, and FEAR. Fear of money, fear of my safety, fear of the safety of my family. A complete DO OVER. Just to experience a time in your life when things were safe. And carefree. Not better than now. Just different. Free of stress, and bills, and our country's safety, and the economy. Just simple times.


For me, that would be my junior high years. But even more specifically, the summer after 7th grade and through 8th grade. I know for a lot of people their junior high years were there most awkward and stressful, but for me actually, it was quite the opposite. I can look back on different times in my life that were simple and carefree (like falling in love with my husband in high school), but I find I was also older then, and worried, and fearful. Of not doing the right thing. Or being the right person. And in high school, I learned frankly, that people can be ruthless and cruel. There were some amazing times and friends in High School, but it is still a time I look back with, on at times regret, and at times pure bliss. And my junior high years however are for some odd reason, free of regret, and free of the fear of trying to be someone. Anyone. For me, that struggle to fit in, and find yourself didn't start until high school.


So, yeah, 8th grade. I'd do this grade and time in my life over in a heart beat. 7th grade was also a good year, but I do remember being nervous in 7th grade. Unsure of myself. But after that first year of junior high I remember coming into myself in a way. Feeling more sure of who I was, and frankly, I liked myself. I liked my friends, my family, and my life. Things we perfect. It started off with a summer that I will never forget. Including a life-changing trip to Lake Powell with my family and some of my Dad's business partners.


Life-changing in that when I came home from that trip I found out that a) french kissing was something that was exciting, and wonderful and weird. All at the same time. And b) because of that kiss, I think I learned that for the first time, that I was likable. Ya know? Kissable. This experience, gave me a much needed self-esteem boost. I was someone. And someone that could be liked. And later loved. And the person that I kissed wasn't just the cute guy. He was someone that had depth and personality and honestly a little quirk to him. I learned that I found substance and intrigue much more interesting that just a pretty face. That was a very important experience in my life.


So, I came home a different person. I had a level of confidence I hadn't ever had before. Not arrogance by any means. But, for the first time, I felt that I was someone. Could be someone. And that other people (boys specifically) could be attracted to me. Never before this time, had I felt beautiful. That was for my friends. They were always the ones the boys liked and were attracted too. And I never understood that before then. And now I did. It was weird. And clearly I'm not explaining it well. So, I'll just go back to 8th grade.


8th grade. Home room, Social Studies with Mrs. Gutke. And her one tall shoe. And one short leg. At the time I remember thinking it was odd, and I pitied her. Now, I imagine it would be quite a trial to have in life. A trial on the outside. For the world to see and judge. Not to mention hormonal 8th graders. My locker partner was found in this, my first period class. Anna R. We were friends, but not great friends. But throughout the year, I grew to really like her. This first period class, I also look back with fond memories because I sat in front of a kid named Chris. Chris later committed suicide when I was in high school. We were never close friends, but I look back at my friendship with him, because of this class we had together, with fond memories. The Chris I knew then, was an amazing person.


I had a fabulous group of friends. And I can remember this being the one time in my life where I truly felt popular. Not because I was in the popular group, or anything. But because I remember feeling like I had a lot of friends. I remember feeling in 8th grade like our entire class was friends. Sure there were groups of people, cliques you could say, but all the groups were friends with one another. I remember this clearly. I remember having the confidence to really talk to anyone and everyone.


I played volleyball in junior high, and this was the year that Burnham started coaching, instead of just the gym teacher. Mr. Burnham gave me a sense of confidence, and a dose of what it was to work hard, that I will forever be grateful for. Our team thrived. We grew, and advanced in our abilities and that was amazing. Mr. Burnham made me fall in love with team sports. I learned so much as a person about learning how to be on a successful team player. A cohesive team. This is where I forged great friendships with people like Toni S., and Paradis A.

It's also a time in my life where I had a wide array of friends. Girls and guys. I remember hanging out on the weekends with the funnest people. It's during this time that I learned to be friends with guys. Up until this point I just didn't get guys. I remember having a huge crush on Keller S. Ha ha. That makes me laugh. Not because of him, but because of our size difference. I bet I was at least a foot taller than him. If not more. I never kissed him, but I remember hanging out with his friends and having a great time. In fact, I can remember, very clearly the only time in 8th grade that I look back with shame. I was upstairs in Jody R's room, I'm sure after one of our many swims, and Melissa B. told me that Keller got made fun of for liking me. That was such a defining moment. I remember thinking that Melissa was a loser for telling me that. I remember thinking her telling me that really was telling about who she was as a person. I also remember consciously thinking I wouldn't like Keller anymore, cause I didn't want people to make fun of him. Hmmmm. Just makes me think. (after re-reading this, I want to say, that I am sure Melissa is a wonderful person now, and was then too. After all, we all have done not-so-smart things in life. Things we wish we hadn't. Especially as teeenagers.)


I also remember some wicked fun times out at Aimee W's house. She had the funnest family ever. I can't remember how many times I ever even went out there, but the few times I slept over I can remember thinking clearly that this is how a family should be. This is how I would want to raise my family to be. My friendship with Aimee and Par was something I look back with fondly. They both ended up moving away or going to different high schools, but we had a great time together in 8th grade.

Anyway, I could go on and on. And on. I really loved this year of my life. So many personality defining moments. So much pure fun. Simple fun. Fear-less fun. And ya know, maybe it wasn't really like that at all. Maybe it's just a skewed version of what reality really was. Either way, I look back at this particular year of my life with fond-ness. With a smile. A time in my life that would definitely be fun to live again. Not out of regret. And not with my 28 year old mind, and what I know now. But with my 13 or 14 year old mind. My DO OVER year.


So, now that I've spilled my guts in a much too-long post, I'm curious. What is your DO OVER year?